Today’s Classified Ad

From Washington Post . . .

LOST: High crimes and misdemeanors perpetrated by Donald J. Trump. Lengthy list on yellowing illegal pad was misplaced by a congressional aide to Rep. Adam Shiftless en route to meeting with FISA judge, somewhere between Capitol Hell and that trendy gentlemen’s club, G String-G Town, frequented by democratic lawmakers. (Not to be confused with the Red State Bra Strap and Bistro in Arlington, where many of said crimes were perpetrated.)

The fate of my pension, my legacy and maybe the nation rests on locating this historic document.

Easily identifiable, the list is scribbled in blue ink in Russian language. Trump himself allegedly dictated the list to KGB plant Melania Stalinski Trump as notes for the memoirs he plans to write from Rikers Island.

If found and returned to my office, I will provide you with two passes to the 2020 DNC, a ticket to President Ocasio Cortez’ 2032 State of the Collective Address and one free session with my favorite plastic surgeon (his cheek lifts are to die for).

No questions asked. Contact any Capitol Hell uniformed cop and say, “I got the goods on Donnie for Miss Nancy.” They will know what to do.

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